if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
