just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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