Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I didn't shave. On purpose
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
