I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
