Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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