Just fell off a train. Bad.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
