matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
