Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
