At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Welp...herpes.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
