So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I did not marry a roomba.
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