Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
