Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
