so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
