I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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