I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
