i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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