I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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