I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
