You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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