i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
