you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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