Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
