I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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