I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
