New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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