Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
