Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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