I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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