Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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