Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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