I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
