Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
