im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
