I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
