Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
