and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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