I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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