I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
