I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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