I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
You are a genius and a whore.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
