I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
