the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
