I met the friendliest cop last night
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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