You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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