cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
