I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
