I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize