My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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