Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
