im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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