i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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