he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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