i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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