dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Randomize
