I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
