This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize