I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
