Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
