I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
And then my night got REAL pukey
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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