i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
