There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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