I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
