Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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