unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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