I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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