I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
