an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
