She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
