i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
