dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
