Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
