My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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