I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
