Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
